It seems that whenever we tell people our story, one of the first questions they ask is, “How can you stand to be together 24 hours a day??? Apparently, this is the thing that keeps some from making the decision to retire at all. Jeremy has talked with lots of guys who have said, “I’d love to do what you have done, but I can’t imagine what I’d do if I had to stay at home with my wife all day!” Yikes! Ladies, I don’t know what we’re doing to scare our men out of retiring, but if your hubs is feeling this way, take him by the hand, get your coffee, sit down and share this blog with him. It really isn’t that difficult!
I will admit that some of our friends say that our relationship is somehow unique…that we are not a typical couple. Now I don’t know if that’s true, but I can tell you that, by choice, there are certain premises that we have adopted over the years, that seem to be working during the voyage:
1. We made a conscious decision to be kind and respectful to each other. Neither one of us will participate in a fight. I can hear some people right now saying, “If you say you never fight, you must be lying.” Well, believe what you will, but here’s the deal…My mamma taught me to “keep a civil tongue in my head.” That advice has rung true for a lifetime. It does not mean that I am not honest with the hubs, or that we never disagree. It simply means that if I’m about to say something hurtful, I bite my tongue! I will wait until calmer heads prevail, and then we’ll figure out a way to discuss. I have always judged it this way – Would I say this to my best friend? Many times, the answer is no – I wouldn’t say something to my best girlfriend because it would hurt her feelings. Why, oh why, is it true in our culture that married people believe that they can say anything to each other, without regard for hurting feelings! The one thing I am proudest of in our relationship is that in the 35+ years we’ve been together, Jeremy has never, ever said an unkind word to me! And while I know this is not true for all, it’s something to consider…
2. We have separate individual spaces in our home. Early on, we realized that each of us needed a personal space. In our home, we created separate “offices,” but it could be a desk, a corner, a room, or even a garage. There is some truth to the concept of the man cave, just as I had need of a ‘woman cave.’ We each need a place to retreat to, to hold our stuff, to call our own…
3. We’ve been careful to keep and nurture separate outside interests. He’s a car guy. I’m a golf girl. He has guy pals. I have gal pals. He does guy stuff. I do girly, crafty stuff. The point is that by continuing to go our separate ways, learning new things, making new friends, engaging with others, we bring a fresh perspective and new topics of conversation to the table.
4. We’ve learned new things about each other…and adjusted. You would think that after being together for so long, a couple would know just about everything there is to know about each other. WRONGO! I would never have believed it myself, but being together during the work day hours was very illuminating. Who knew that the hubs was such a linear thinker, who absolutely hates to be interrupted when he’s involved in a task. For a couple of months there, I about drove him crazy when I would derail his train of thought. I’m sure he learned some choice things about how I operate as well. The point is that we always keep #1 in mind, while working out ways to co-exist!
5. We became more flexible in our roles around the house. It’s not unusual that during their working careers, people fall into a sort of routine about who does what in running and maintaining the household – He mows the lawn, She does the laundry, He takes out the garbage, She does the cooking…But when the perception of available time changes, the nature of the roles must change as well. Early on, I started feeling like I was the “charwoman” at our house, while he was working hard to build the business. We learned that we needed our roles to be more flexible.
6. We plan, always with consideration of the other person in mind. We share a calendar on our computer, and we make sure that we communicate what events get scheduled. Neither gets to plan an event involving both without consulting the other. No one’s event is more important than the other’s. You would think this would be a no-brainer. But in retirement, it’s easy to fall into the trap of “Of course, we’ll both be there!” Or, “Sure, I can schedule the plumber to come, cuz hubs will be home.” It only takes a couple of times of misguided expectations to figure this one out. I hope you learn from our missteps…
7. We’ve become better listeners. You see numbers 1-6 above? Well, in order to make them work, you’ve got to listen…really listen to what your partner needs, thinks and feels. Just sayin’.
8. We find ways not to take it all too seriously, and to laugh at the quirky things that happen daily. And they will happen…believe me they will! I did not know until recently that hubs is able to quote a huge amount of Looney Tunes dialog!
9. We are a team in all things. We plan together, make lists together, prioritize together, budget together. I can see why the guys in the introduction to this piece don’t want to be home if they feel that they are alone in the journey. The voyage is a shared one in every way.
10. And finally, our guiding principle – When we were first married, we both read John Gray’s Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus. (Gray, 1992), and for all of our married lives we have taken to heart what we believe to be the most important phrase of the book:
Men want to be appreciated,
Women want to be cherished.
It’s quite simple really, and if you think about it, so very, very true. And to that end, I try to make sure that every day of his life, I let Jeremy know how much I appreciate him – things he does for our business, for me personally, for us as a couple. And every single day of my life, I feel truly cherished by him. And in the end, that’s all it really takes!
An Encore Voyage 
Great suggestions! After 23 years, we actually do still like spending time together. I say in retirement we have a he/she/we plan… things he does, things I do, and things we do together…even if he hates lists. I heard recently that you should find the quirks in the person you love endearing (not annoying). It’s the quirks that make us laugh…. his and mine.
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Love the he/she/we plan! Mind if I steal it! And I agree – If you don’t laugh at stuff, things are going to be pretty rough!
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Steal away. I always told my teams that the best form of flattery (and recognition of good work) was stealing your good ideas/words.
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This is all so true! Mike and I are new to retirement, but even we knew to have our own separate areas of our home. I love my “Laura Land” where I do things my way!
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His office is black and chrome and cherry wood. I painted a wall in mine a sort of squash orange – about the color of a Creamsicle! Just sayin’!
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Another great post, Lynn! Thanks for sharing.
Donna
http://www.retirementreflections.com
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Thanks, Donna!
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Truly excellent advice, Lynn, and not just for retirees. My second marriage of almost three years utilizes most of these principles, all important for any relationship.
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Thanks, Terri!
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We haven’t retired yet but we have worked together for the last 17 years and everything you have said is good sound advice. Wonderful blog. o happy that you found me. You would be an asset to the Senior Salon. I hope you will consider doing us.
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joining us. I really must spell check before I hit send.
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I don’t know–I kinda liked “doing us”.
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Doing us, joining us….same o, same o – I read it the way you meant it the first time, but it still made me chuckle! I’ll be checking out your Senior Salon regularly!
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Hope you will join our community.
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Hey, Bernadette – When I tap on the frog, it tells me that the collection is closed. Am I doing something wrong?
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Yes. Collection opens again tomorrow. See you then.
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Great list.
Separate space is KEY! I love having my husband around, but we both need time alone, and space that we can call our own. Our first house had three bedrooms, so we shared one, and made the other two into “offices” that could serve as guest rooms in a pinch. By the time our son was added to the mix, we had upgraded to four bedrooms. Now with son gone, we have a dedicated guest room.
Although I didn’t read Mars/Venus, I DID see Defending the Caveman. It helped me to understand those two men in my life.
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If you ever check out Mars/Venus, read in particular the part about “Use the Noose” – In short, a story about a princess being rescued by a prince. But in slaying the dragon, she repeatedly tells him how to do it (boil him in oil, slay him, hang him with your noose) until, in frustration, the prince turns his horse and rides away, in search of a different princess to rescue! Helped me to understand that men don’t want to be told how to do stuff – they need to be appreciated!
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I’ve only been retired a few months, joining my husband who retired about three years ago. I have to admit I was more than a little concerned about the 24 hours together every day but I must say we have transitioned well. We do a lot of things together but I completely agree about the separate spaces! We plan onrelocating as the spirit moves us, but we will always need 2 bedrooms – so I can have my girl cave. I need a place to drag out projects, sit and read, or just listen to music… by myself. 🙂
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Absolutely! After getting kicked out of his office, I figured out I needed my own place. Now I love my cozy little room!
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Well guys, all this talk about separate spaces…Now I must put up my post about my Orange Office – so you can see you are not alone in needing a place to call your own!
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That’s a great list! I need alone time… my husband not so much. But, after several years of being retired together, we’ve worked things out pretty well. My husband makes me laugh every day.
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I think that really the most important thing is LIKING each other! Jeremy makes me laugh, too!
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It has been two years since my wife and I sold the house, got rid of the stuff, and started traveling across North America. And we still get along fine! We do most things together, but it is still OK for us to go our separate ways now and then. Humor is VERY important and we love to laugh together. You are right about the Mars/Venus books. Great advice for a couple growing together.
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Sounds wonderful! Hubs and I have been married 36 years…and we still really like each other!
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Hi Lynn, I’ve loved finding your blog (through Donna’s guest post) and can relate to so much of what you written about. This post is an important read for anyone thinking about retiring or already retired, as being together all the time can be an issue. Nice to meet you and I’m now following 😊 Debbie from Deb’s World
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Hi Debbie! Glad I found you as well! As I said over on Donna’s post, it feels like we’re kindred spirits. I was a special education teacher – but that seems like NOTHING compared to what you were doing!!! Yowza! I also love travel and reading, so you can be sure I’ll be on your site lots! ~ Lynn
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Isn’t it great how we can all connect and meet so many fabulous people just by blogging?? I look forward to your visits and reading more of your posts too. Deb
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